hopelessness.

i just feel very down now :( i know i'm a whinger, and I never get anything done ...

i actually finished 2 things on my to do list for today, but the other two are massive tasks which seem like i can never finish. maybe i should go to bed early today (early as in 12 early) and get up earlier and hope i feel better so i can get some work done.

i feel so hopeless at everything ... like for maths, when i look back at the stuff we've done or if someone asks me how to do a question that I'VE DONE ALREADY i don't even remember how to do it. and now for trials you're telling me to recall everything ... everything.

and my english essays are still untouched ... i feel so unmotivated sometimes i wonder whether i'm the only one at this particular minute who isn't working and rather, just lounging about on youtube ...

and i'm probably going to fail the UMAT or something, i'm just so bad with time management i'm far from the end of the exam when 3 hours is up. omg what am i going to, i don't even know 100% what i'm going to do in university and i looked at the university scholarship forms and there's a lot to fill out ... i need to think carefully ... but i can't ...

jhbvkhgduyktdytyfytfytdytd;87t9

my entire holidays wasted ... again

and this is the holidays before trials.

seriously, jennifer? you haven't found your second belonging related OR a single related text for history and memory. you haven't done any practise exams, fixed your essays or anything.

and the trials are in four weeks.

uerghdfehg;lksdjhogs;otg.

she did it again.

a complaint.

this time because i was getting distracted from my work because my brother manages to wrench open a treasure box thing that i couldn't open since like 7 years ago. yeah, i was pretty excited so i started looking at the jewellery and reminiscing but then my mum told me to get on with my work since i was the one who kept complaining i didnt have enough time in the holidays to finish my work.

and of course i apparently threw a cold shoulder at her and put on a bad attitude and made my face contorted apparently .. all in a matter of time between one sentence and another. sure. i wish my brain could make myself throw all these signals subconsciously in a split second too.

she's also getting very complaining herself. currently, the most common phrase she says is: 'if it weren't for me ...' like, i know it's true but you don't have to rub it in our faces. like if there are dishes in the sink when she walks in, she will definitely mutter (mind you, her mutter is far from inaudible) '-sigh- what is the problem with the people in this house ... they're so lazy .. i'm always the one washing the dishes ... of course no one else will ... it's always me ... next time i won't wash them and see how you survive ...' and if there are unfolded clothes on the sofa she will say 'omg ... of course everyone is too lazy to fold the clothes ... they pretend they're blind when they walk past so they don't have to fold it ... it always has to be me doesn't it ... if i don't fold it i'm sure not a single one of you would ...'

AND IT'S JUST BLATANTLY ANNOYING. yes, i know you're the really cool person  keeping the house together. yes, i do. but i do my part and it would really help if you could stop 'muttering' around the house everyday because i'm never going to get a moment of silence coupled with your bickering with dad. i'll fold the clothes, whatever but PEOPLE FORGET, OK?! it's just frustrating when every second sentence your mum makes is a complaint. yes, i know, my bro, dad and i are far from perfect but your annoying tone that you add to the end of your sentences doesnt encourage us a bit.

but then there are the good times :) we mahjonged for 2 hours yesterday ... AND IT WAS SO WEIRD CAUSE THEY ALL WON GAMES BY THEMSELVES. like, they got the thing they wanted by drawing so we all had to pay them. oh, and did i mention that i didnt even win a single game? aha, that was funny :)

a complaint

this is going to be stereotypical teenage superficial rant about my parents - well, in this case, my mum. stop reading here if you're disgusted.

you know when your mum says something that they dont like about you? okay well my mum does that.

and after she says it i'm like . . . ok . . . and you know how there isn't exactly much you can do? so i usually keep quiet and continue what i'm doing. what does she expect me to do? start screaming 'I AM SO SORRY I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!! FORGIVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!'? that's weird.

so just then i was drinking milk when she complained about how irresponsible i am getting. so i was like :( really? oh dear. and i kept quiet drinking my milk and, naturally, when i finished i went into the kitchen to wash my cup.

THEN MY MUM GOES OH SO WHAT'S THIS ATTITUDE YOU CAN ONLY ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS AND WHEN I CRITICISE YOU YOU THROW A COLD SHOULDER AT ME? GO ON, IGNORE ME ONE DAY YOU'LL LEARN FROM THIS HORRIBLE ATTITUDE OF YOURS.

and i'm like O.O WAIT WHAT!? and the thing is, after that i AM angry cause she's leaving me no options. if i try to explain or say that i'm not, OH OF COURSE then i'll be talking back. if i keep quiet I'M IGNORING HER. that really really gets on my nerves.

fgsdf. argh.

anxiety disorder, social phobia or laziness?

this post is going to be a rant - me about myself and my trivial problems.

put short, I seriously am considering myself to be a victim of at least one of the 'illnesses' (referring to laziness) in the title of this post. why? I will list some examples.

confessions which I believe contribute to my claim:

when I first entered my new Chinese class in 2010, I was so scared and nervous that my hands were leaving puddles of sweat wherever they touched. I was afraid - perhaps my insight into Chinese lessons before (I was only at  China's year 3 Chinese level and I picked up Chinese in Australian year 9) - that I wouldn't know anything and be the laugh of the class. Luckily, everything went well and the class was somewhere at my level, maybe even slightly behind. I felt as if I was part of the family by my second lesson.

i am not exactly sure what happened here, but I get the feeling none of the other new students to the class (i.e. Fiona, Emily, Jackie) felt the same way I did. Thinking back, I often don't understand why I was so scared.

Before the OC exam (you know the one you do in year 4?) I didn't eat my breakfast that morning. I was too nervous - I could barely open my mouth and only managed to eat half the sandwich. I felt like I would gag and vomit if I ate another bite and resorted to throwing it in the bin. I remember my dad seeing me bent over the bin and asking what I was doing - I lied and said that I was throwing the juice popper away, which I had used to bury the sandwich, in the bin.

I'm quite sure that this had nothing to do with eating disorders - it was just the nervousness. I highly doubt I will be able to survive high school if I refuse to eat everyday before and exam. Which is almost where i am heading now - i eat but not enough.

I had just finished the english component of the selective exam. running out of time, i coloured in C for the last eight questions, seconds before the instructor said 'pens down'. Walking with everyone else outside for a break, my mum offered me some chocolate to 'power up my brain'. I love chocolate. But I couldn't eat a single piece - resulting in the entire block being shared between all my friends. i could tell my mum was concerned. i knew that if the rest of the exam was this hard, I wouldn't be able to make it into the school I wanted to ... 

so. i couldn't eat before the OC and not even a snack during the selective. did i put too much weight onto these exams? maybe. I'm not sure. but I managed to do quite well in my selective, make it into my current school and stand up in the year 7 talent quest and perform without the nerves interfering.

every time i need to pack things to go somewhere which I don't go to often, I cannot get the thought of me missing something out of my head. oh and this reminds me: i spend far too long at my lockers for similar reasons. should i leave this book at school? it's always a minute long dilemma.

is this low self esteem? i don't know. is this my brain moving too slow? most likely. 

when i am going somewhere unfamiliar or via an unfamiliar route, I feel very self conscious and as if everyone is looking at me. I am unsure of exactly how to get there and feel extremely embarrassed when I have walked in the wrong direction and need to turn around and walk back. I often feel as if everyone notices that I have walked the wrong way and is laughing at me discretely, although I know that they can't possibly be doing that.

i experience this quite often - at least once per week. I try to avoid making eye contact with anyone so I end up looking at my feet. i had a phase of being scared of being alone (i would panic and get very nervous) but I noticed that it was only at some particular locations that I had not visited soon before I had been to that approximate area. Let me explain in my next example.

There were three places i couldn't go to alone at school - the library, the canteen and the lowers. They were all linked in that I didn't visit them often and never during my familiarising with the school. There was no problem with me visiting the library with my class, but i couldn't do it myself. I felt as if everyone was looking at me once I stepped into the lowers. I felt as if everyone was looking at me and getting agitated at my long decisions regarding what to buy for lunch - my first attempt to buy from the canteen went like this: stepping into the canteen, i headed to hot food. I didn't know what to buy. a meat pie, potato pie, sausage roll? chicken burger? everyone was pushing from behind me to get to the food before it ran out, so i resorted to stepping to the side and having my panic attack. Seeing my friend walk in, I walked over to her and explained my situation. She took her food and I, reaching for the chicken burger, found that area empty. I ended up buying a meat pie. The rest of the canteen trip was fine. But I managed to buy by myself most of the time from the canteen - i do now at least.

that went on for over a year - almost two.

some other factors which may contribute to my claim include: 

i feel as if every one of my acts in public is being scrutinised. i often feel very self conscious. i expect people to notice when i change one of my routines for good or bad. i put myself down more than i brag about myself. i like it when people are older than me so i have an excuse to not be as successful as them. I get jealous at the most pointless things quite easily but i tell noone. the list goes on and on and on ...

so. there are my complaints regarding me being nervous. bored yet? i think so. what is wrong with me you may ask? I don't know. i don't like erupting into a panic everytime I need to go somewhere unfamiliar. Now for my claims on laziness or memory loss.

mum on phone: jennifer could you please place the rice in the rice cooker at 5:30? 

me: ok!

mum comes home at 6:30: dinner time!

me remembering: oh no! ahhhh mum I forgot to cook the rice D:

mum is angry: why did I expect you to remember? can you actually TRY to remember next time?

the sad thing is that this has happened at least 5 times. all the other times I have had to set a reminder on my phone, otherwise I will forget. the point my mum is trying to make is that it is not my memory that is failing - rather it is my WILL to remember things. apparently I prioritise useless things and forget things that are important. i have no comment. something even more pointless and stupid:

i have left my milk in the microwave for several hours after it is heated at least, again, 5 times. I set it to microwave for 45 seconds, leave and forget about it. Usually someone else finds out when they use the microwave - once almost 12 hours later.

I can't help it! I don't do it deliberately but it's only been happening lately. What is happening to my brain? But of course - I'm just being lazy.

so that is my very long rant about my issues/problems. it seems as if this rant itself has been very pointless. so next time you see me lingering around, pop into my bubble and say hi ... it usually helps :D Please comment freely - I do not mind comments about my laziness :)