clearing my bookshelf

Okay, I own up - the blog post title is a tad bit misleading. I tidied up half of one layer of my bookshelf ... which is good progress considering my HSC stuff (which everyone seems to have packed away into neat, orderly boxes 2 months ago) is still lying around on my table.

As I was tidying up my stuff I came across bits and pieces from primary school which hit a nostalgic chord within me so I thought I'd share it with you guys! :) I ended up throwing out a lot of it (not the ones I took photos of though because they're the valuable ones :P) because if I don't, I probably never will. I left them there probably 6 years ago thinking that I'll probably need them for some reason (like a year 5 NAPLAN practise paper ...) and naturally, I didn't. 

Well here are some special things I found among the stack (please click to enlarge): 

thank you Linda hehe ^^

yes, I am aware of the variable spelling of 'origin'

oh canteen duty was a nightmare ....

because this is what credits are for.
and in case you're wondering my nicknames used to be other people with my initials ... primary school creativity ...

ehehehe we were still singing this in high school

hahahaha self explanatory ^

Hopefully there'll be more photos of stuff I find while clearing my self ... if not ... you'll know that my laziness kicked in :L

Until next time! (oh gosh I sound so cheesy)

i'm too lazy to blog

:( it's very sad. whenever something blogworthy comes i write it in my phone and tell myself to post it when i have time. but then when i do have time i waste it doing useless things :(

so now i have a whole bunch of stuff on my phone and it doesnt work anymore cause some happened ages ago and it doesnt make sense blogging about it now :(

well i just had a look at my bebo and got some questions in my 'how well do you know my stalkees?' quiz wrong :/ i was so weird, but not weird at the same time. i looked at some of the stuff i did/posted and i still like that stuff ... but some other things make me go ew.

and im getting very annoyed with my skin. my face is slowly dying and that makes me sad.

me being lazy

fgsdf.

i realised that everytime i allocate some time to update my blog, I start off really determined. I always say omg i have to tell my friends this! but like just then, i always notice that i just spend all my time on my dash reading everyone else's latest blog posts.

they're so interesting.

like just then i just read other people's posts in the time i was meant to write my own post. i suck. so i am sorry about my blog seeming to be neglected. i will try and post what i wanted to just then another time D:

caught sleepy-eyed D:

i had science p.7. halfway through the lesson a sudden wave of sleepiness swept over me - what I call a narcoleptic attack, despite me not really having narcolepsy.

it was ok at first, finding ways not to make my head bob and trying not to make it obvious that my eyes couldn't open. and WHY MONDAY?! when i sit at the front D:

i may have looked relatively calm in my seat. with my eyes open as slits (actual slits, smaller than they usually are). BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH! despite my great, irresistable urge to sleep I  was, in fact, fighting a losing battle! I was actually fighting with all my heart and strength on the inside! I know i was on the brink of asleepness but ... I WAS TRYING TO STAY AWAKE. anyone knows how hard it is to stay awake when you're sleepy - not to mention my sleepy episodes.

i hear some noise nearby. a sudden thought: wait what is the teacher talking to me. i snap out of it. TOO LATE. next thing i hear: 'Do you have the weight values? Rhiannon can you wake that friend of yours up and give her the values?' and I was like ... -looks around omg NNOOOOOO this is so embarrassing-.

so yeah my dignity, reputation and ability to talk with teachers kinda went like this: ~~~~~~\ (ignore the extra bit sticking up)

and omg miss i'm so sorry :( i feel really bad for falling asleep in class but i really couldn't help it and if i had a choice i wouldn't've done so :(

anxiety disorder, social phobia or laziness?

this post is going to be a rant - me about myself and my trivial problems.

put short, I seriously am considering myself to be a victim of at least one of the 'illnesses' (referring to laziness) in the title of this post. why? I will list some examples.

confessions which I believe contribute to my claim:

when I first entered my new Chinese class in 2010, I was so scared and nervous that my hands were leaving puddles of sweat wherever they touched. I was afraid - perhaps my insight into Chinese lessons before (I was only at  China's year 3 Chinese level and I picked up Chinese in Australian year 9) - that I wouldn't know anything and be the laugh of the class. Luckily, everything went well and the class was somewhere at my level, maybe even slightly behind. I felt as if I was part of the family by my second lesson.

i am not exactly sure what happened here, but I get the feeling none of the other new students to the class (i.e. Fiona, Emily, Jackie) felt the same way I did. Thinking back, I often don't understand why I was so scared.

Before the OC exam (you know the one you do in year 4?) I didn't eat my breakfast that morning. I was too nervous - I could barely open my mouth and only managed to eat half the sandwich. I felt like I would gag and vomit if I ate another bite and resorted to throwing it in the bin. I remember my dad seeing me bent over the bin and asking what I was doing - I lied and said that I was throwing the juice popper away, which I had used to bury the sandwich, in the bin.

I'm quite sure that this had nothing to do with eating disorders - it was just the nervousness. I highly doubt I will be able to survive high school if I refuse to eat everyday before and exam. Which is almost where i am heading now - i eat but not enough.

I had just finished the english component of the selective exam. running out of time, i coloured in C for the last eight questions, seconds before the instructor said 'pens down'. Walking with everyone else outside for a break, my mum offered me some chocolate to 'power up my brain'. I love chocolate. But I couldn't eat a single piece - resulting in the entire block being shared between all my friends. i could tell my mum was concerned. i knew that if the rest of the exam was this hard, I wouldn't be able to make it into the school I wanted to ... 

so. i couldn't eat before the OC and not even a snack during the selective. did i put too much weight onto these exams? maybe. I'm not sure. but I managed to do quite well in my selective, make it into my current school and stand up in the year 7 talent quest and perform without the nerves interfering.

every time i need to pack things to go somewhere which I don't go to often, I cannot get the thought of me missing something out of my head. oh and this reminds me: i spend far too long at my lockers for similar reasons. should i leave this book at school? it's always a minute long dilemma.

is this low self esteem? i don't know. is this my brain moving too slow? most likely. 

when i am going somewhere unfamiliar or via an unfamiliar route, I feel very self conscious and as if everyone is looking at me. I am unsure of exactly how to get there and feel extremely embarrassed when I have walked in the wrong direction and need to turn around and walk back. I often feel as if everyone notices that I have walked the wrong way and is laughing at me discretely, although I know that they can't possibly be doing that.

i experience this quite often - at least once per week. I try to avoid making eye contact with anyone so I end up looking at my feet. i had a phase of being scared of being alone (i would panic and get very nervous) but I noticed that it was only at some particular locations that I had not visited soon before I had been to that approximate area. Let me explain in my next example.

There were three places i couldn't go to alone at school - the library, the canteen and the lowers. They were all linked in that I didn't visit them often and never during my familiarising with the school. There was no problem with me visiting the library with my class, but i couldn't do it myself. I felt as if everyone was looking at me once I stepped into the lowers. I felt as if everyone was looking at me and getting agitated at my long decisions regarding what to buy for lunch - my first attempt to buy from the canteen went like this: stepping into the canteen, i headed to hot food. I didn't know what to buy. a meat pie, potato pie, sausage roll? chicken burger? everyone was pushing from behind me to get to the food before it ran out, so i resorted to stepping to the side and having my panic attack. Seeing my friend walk in, I walked over to her and explained my situation. She took her food and I, reaching for the chicken burger, found that area empty. I ended up buying a meat pie. The rest of the canteen trip was fine. But I managed to buy by myself most of the time from the canteen - i do now at least.

that went on for over a year - almost two.

some other factors which may contribute to my claim include: 

i feel as if every one of my acts in public is being scrutinised. i often feel very self conscious. i expect people to notice when i change one of my routines for good or bad. i put myself down more than i brag about myself. i like it when people are older than me so i have an excuse to not be as successful as them. I get jealous at the most pointless things quite easily but i tell noone. the list goes on and on and on ...

so. there are my complaints regarding me being nervous. bored yet? i think so. what is wrong with me you may ask? I don't know. i don't like erupting into a panic everytime I need to go somewhere unfamiliar. Now for my claims on laziness or memory loss.

mum on phone: jennifer could you please place the rice in the rice cooker at 5:30? 

me: ok!

mum comes home at 6:30: dinner time!

me remembering: oh no! ahhhh mum I forgot to cook the rice D:

mum is angry: why did I expect you to remember? can you actually TRY to remember next time?

the sad thing is that this has happened at least 5 times. all the other times I have had to set a reminder on my phone, otherwise I will forget. the point my mum is trying to make is that it is not my memory that is failing - rather it is my WILL to remember things. apparently I prioritise useless things and forget things that are important. i have no comment. something even more pointless and stupid:

i have left my milk in the microwave for several hours after it is heated at least, again, 5 times. I set it to microwave for 45 seconds, leave and forget about it. Usually someone else finds out when they use the microwave - once almost 12 hours later.

I can't help it! I don't do it deliberately but it's only been happening lately. What is happening to my brain? But of course - I'm just being lazy.

so that is my very long rant about my issues/problems. it seems as if this rant itself has been very pointless. so next time you see me lingering around, pop into my bubble and say hi ... it usually helps :D Please comment freely - I do not mind comments about my laziness :)