i am a horrible person

two things that made me particularly sad this week:

i was hogging a toilet cubicle.
so it was thursday morning and i'd just finishing badminton training. i usually (and prefer to) change in the changing rooms but there were hsc exams on that morning, and i don't think i'm actually allowed in there. once i actually changed in there and when i opened the door to come out a swarm of yr 12s were going into the hall and i had to wait a bit and then kind of go against the flow to get back out and people were glaring/staring at me ... let's say it was awkward.

so i was like oh no i have to change in the toilets! this is annoying, because there isn't a place for you to put your clothes in, only a hook to hang your bag on. so i went into a cubicle and changed. i remember i looked at my watch and i was like yay im early today i might be able to get to my locker before the bell rings!

but then i heard two or more girls complaining really loudly when they walked into the toilet. i just ignored it, because people always chatter, scream, etc. in the toilets. but then this girl, presumably year 12 and about to sit her exam, shouted:

"Oh my gosh, you can't be serious. There must be people changing in there! IF YOU ARE CHANGING INSIDE THE TOILETS, F***ING GET OUT. This is not a joke."
i tried remembering what she said to the best of my memory. I'm actually quite sure that's what she said but i don't guarantee against minor differences.

and i froze. i felt so bad i can't express it in words! i knew that she must have felt really rushed because her exam was soon and she needed to go to the toilet. i was actually really scared and felt really guilty. i would definitely have gone out if she didn't sound so scary, if i wasn't half naked in the toilet, if my shoes weren't sitting on the floor and my clothes shoved into my bag messily. plus, i needed to go to the toilet.

i actually spent the next few minutes frozen. i was so scared that if i made any plastic bag sounds (cause my shoes are in a plastic bag) that they would hear me and know that i didn't come out. ARGH i felt so bad.

i waited until the bell rung and about 5 minutes later. after safely assuming that they must have been in the exam hall already, i quickly finished changing, went to the toilet and walked out. i made sure that i put every single piece of clothing and shoes, etc. in my bag so it didn't look like i changed (even though i had to hold my badminton racket). to my relief, no year 12s were in the toilet hallway thing and almost every cubicle was empty (which i hope means that the yr 12 did manage to go to the toilet).

i didn't saying thank you.
we were on the train back home. the majority of my friends were sitting in the 6-seater while i was sitting with Selena in the 3 seater behind, and Vanessa and Maggie sat in the 3-seater behind us. When Maggie got off the train, Vanessa moved to the 6-seater where there were vacancies so she didn't have to be alone or hog a whole 3-seater. After she moved, I heard the man who was sitting on the 2-seater next to me mutter something. At first I assumed he was complaining about school students being loud on the train (we were quite loud) so i disregarded his comment. However, he continued to mutter and I was beginning to wonder what he was trying to say. My next assumption was that he was trying to begin a conversation with me, so I ignored him once again.

after hearing some shuffling from behind me, i realised (i forgot in which order) that the man was trying to tell Vanessa that she had dropped her pen in her previous seat. i felt ashamed of myself and a complete idiot - why hadn't you listened to him earlier? why did you assume he was a baddie all the time? urgh. i was puzzled and really annoyed at myself. trying to look like i had no idea he was trying to talk to us the whole time, i turned around and three girls from another school who had decided to sit behind us handed me the red pen. I was moving in slow-mo and trying to look like i wasn't aware of the situation.

my brain wasn't working properly. so i took the pen slowly and decided to give Vanessa her pen back. i turned around slowly and gave it to Vanessa. it was at this exact moment that i realised that admidst my confusion and idiocy and attempts to look surprised I HAD FORGOTTEN TO SAY THANK YOU.

the next happened in about 2 seconds:
the girl who had given me the pen began to swear to her friends about how i didn't even say thank you. but i was planning to say thank you a split second before she started, so i actually turned around and rushed a thank you (which i intended to sound like 'i really did mean that, sorry about just then. thank you for picking up the pen!' but now that i think of it i realised that it might have made me sound like i listened into their conversation and was trying to win back reputation. omg i feel like a female dog.) which actually interrupted her in her complaints. hopefully because i interrupted her she'd assume i wasn't listening in.

i didn't know if she said anything afterwards but then katherine said something to me and i was trying to act normal underneath my guilt and OMG I AM SUCH AN IDIOT I JUST MADE MY WHOLE TRAIN BUNCH SEEM RUDE AND IGNORANT and then she thought she made me sad :( i told her that she didn't but she didn't seem to really believe me haha, but this is why. and i couldn't really explain it right then and there, so ... yeah.