anxiety disorder, social phobia or laziness?

this post is going to be a rant - me about myself and my trivial problems.

put short, I seriously am considering myself to be a victim of at least one of the 'illnesses' (referring to laziness) in the title of this post. why? I will list some examples.

confessions which I believe contribute to my claim:

when I first entered my new Chinese class in 2010, I was so scared and nervous that my hands were leaving puddles of sweat wherever they touched. I was afraid - perhaps my insight into Chinese lessons before (I was only at  China's year 3 Chinese level and I picked up Chinese in Australian year 9) - that I wouldn't know anything and be the laugh of the class. Luckily, everything went well and the class was somewhere at my level, maybe even slightly behind. I felt as if I was part of the family by my second lesson.

i am not exactly sure what happened here, but I get the feeling none of the other new students to the class (i.e. Fiona, Emily, Jackie) felt the same way I did. Thinking back, I often don't understand why I was so scared.

Before the OC exam (you know the one you do in year 4?) I didn't eat my breakfast that morning. I was too nervous - I could barely open my mouth and only managed to eat half the sandwich. I felt like I would gag and vomit if I ate another bite and resorted to throwing it in the bin. I remember my dad seeing me bent over the bin and asking what I was doing - I lied and said that I was throwing the juice popper away, which I had used to bury the sandwich, in the bin.

I'm quite sure that this had nothing to do with eating disorders - it was just the nervousness. I highly doubt I will be able to survive high school if I refuse to eat everyday before and exam. Which is almost where i am heading now - i eat but not enough.

I had just finished the english component of the selective exam. running out of time, i coloured in C for the last eight questions, seconds before the instructor said 'pens down'. Walking with everyone else outside for a break, my mum offered me some chocolate to 'power up my brain'. I love chocolate. But I couldn't eat a single piece - resulting in the entire block being shared between all my friends. i could tell my mum was concerned. i knew that if the rest of the exam was this hard, I wouldn't be able to make it into the school I wanted to ... 

so. i couldn't eat before the OC and not even a snack during the selective. did i put too much weight onto these exams? maybe. I'm not sure. but I managed to do quite well in my selective, make it into my current school and stand up in the year 7 talent quest and perform without the nerves interfering.

every time i need to pack things to go somewhere which I don't go to often, I cannot get the thought of me missing something out of my head. oh and this reminds me: i spend far too long at my lockers for similar reasons. should i leave this book at school? it's always a minute long dilemma.

is this low self esteem? i don't know. is this my brain moving too slow? most likely. 

when i am going somewhere unfamiliar or via an unfamiliar route, I feel very self conscious and as if everyone is looking at me. I am unsure of exactly how to get there and feel extremely embarrassed when I have walked in the wrong direction and need to turn around and walk back. I often feel as if everyone notices that I have walked the wrong way and is laughing at me discretely, although I know that they can't possibly be doing that.

i experience this quite often - at least once per week. I try to avoid making eye contact with anyone so I end up looking at my feet. i had a phase of being scared of being alone (i would panic and get very nervous) but I noticed that it was only at some particular locations that I had not visited soon before I had been to that approximate area. Let me explain in my next example.

There were three places i couldn't go to alone at school - the library, the canteen and the lowers. They were all linked in that I didn't visit them often and never during my familiarising with the school. There was no problem with me visiting the library with my class, but i couldn't do it myself. I felt as if everyone was looking at me once I stepped into the lowers. I felt as if everyone was looking at me and getting agitated at my long decisions regarding what to buy for lunch - my first attempt to buy from the canteen went like this: stepping into the canteen, i headed to hot food. I didn't know what to buy. a meat pie, potato pie, sausage roll? chicken burger? everyone was pushing from behind me to get to the food before it ran out, so i resorted to stepping to the side and having my panic attack. Seeing my friend walk in, I walked over to her and explained my situation. She took her food and I, reaching for the chicken burger, found that area empty. I ended up buying a meat pie. The rest of the canteen trip was fine. But I managed to buy by myself most of the time from the canteen - i do now at least.

that went on for over a year - almost two.

some other factors which may contribute to my claim include: 

i feel as if every one of my acts in public is being scrutinised. i often feel very self conscious. i expect people to notice when i change one of my routines for good or bad. i put myself down more than i brag about myself. i like it when people are older than me so i have an excuse to not be as successful as them. I get jealous at the most pointless things quite easily but i tell noone. the list goes on and on and on ...

so. there are my complaints regarding me being nervous. bored yet? i think so. what is wrong with me you may ask? I don't know. i don't like erupting into a panic everytime I need to go somewhere unfamiliar. Now for my claims on laziness or memory loss.

mum on phone: jennifer could you please place the rice in the rice cooker at 5:30? 

me: ok!

mum comes home at 6:30: dinner time!

me remembering: oh no! ahhhh mum I forgot to cook the rice D:

mum is angry: why did I expect you to remember? can you actually TRY to remember next time?

the sad thing is that this has happened at least 5 times. all the other times I have had to set a reminder on my phone, otherwise I will forget. the point my mum is trying to make is that it is not my memory that is failing - rather it is my WILL to remember things. apparently I prioritise useless things and forget things that are important. i have no comment. something even more pointless and stupid:

i have left my milk in the microwave for several hours after it is heated at least, again, 5 times. I set it to microwave for 45 seconds, leave and forget about it. Usually someone else finds out when they use the microwave - once almost 12 hours later.

I can't help it! I don't do it deliberately but it's only been happening lately. What is happening to my brain? But of course - I'm just being lazy.

so that is my very long rant about my issues/problems. it seems as if this rant itself has been very pointless. so next time you see me lingering around, pop into my bubble and say hi ... it usually helps :D Please comment freely - I do not mind comments about my laziness :)